Chug. Creak. Chug. My feet peddle faster & so do the sounds. Ugh my stupid left shin still hurts even after 2 months of not running on it! At least two months...I've lost track. & if you're a runner, you know that's a lot of time to take off.
Running (besides writing & singing) is another major outlet in my life.
Oh how nice it is to have the fresh air kiss your face & comb your hair. Oh how wonderful it is to hear the early morning birds sing & wake you up. Even more magically than in Snow White. My legs ache & my feet grow tired but I don't notice. It just feels good to be moving. It feels good to feel alive. My heart is in tune with the rhythm of my body. & What do I do? I think. & sometimes I don't think. Because when I have a million things dancing in my head, running reminds me to breathe.
Just breathe.
Either sort things out or let them go. Forget about them for a few moments as you take in life. Be lively. Be free. Sometimes I get lost in this kind of moment & even close my eyes as the sunshine hugs me. I might even laugh. I might even stop to just let those good vibes overtake me.
Other days my face stays focused. I'm running to overcome. Overcome & surpass my limits. Maybe to prove to myself that it is possible. Possible to live on despite the pain. Despite the pain of the day that tries consuming my happiness & me. My joy & will to live. Despite the pain of my burning chest & throbbing calves.
A drop of sweat trickles down my forehead & today the sun is not warm but punishing. It beats on me & I am it's slave with no where to escape but to run.
Run on.
More sweat slides down my back. As long as I can feel it I know I am alive. & Still going. & That is perhaps the feeling I crave when running. Feeling something. Feeling human. Like an alive human. Because that is apart of being human. Feeling not just what we want to feel but feeling everything. The good & the bad. It's how we respond to those feelings that reveal our character.
Chug.
Creak.
Chug.
That's right I'm not running right now.
Instead I am on a mechanical bike. Just 17 minutes more until I should go. Although I am not running, I have finally found a few minutes to myself. The past two weeks have kept me busier than I have been all summer...maybe all year, & in many instances I've almost lost my balance mentally, emotionally, & even physically.
My schedule has consisted of waking up at 5:30, try to drag my roommate out of her dreams & with me to the gym, & then meet up with our other friend. Workout. Get ready. Rush to breakfast. & Then begin the long day of learning 43 songs & choreographies to the musical we will be in. Our challenge...learn all this & the in between scenes in 12 days.... less than two weeks! & Then put on three performances! Act 1 is one hour and 37 minutes long. Act 2 is 48 minutes long.
Chug. Creak. Chug.
I rub my shin. Please let me run. I'm still not sweating. But my mind feels like it is. Exhausted. It reminds me. & All 43 songs run through my head at once.
Maybe if I peddle harder.
I usually don't get in my sleeping bag till past 11.
Chug. Creek. Chug.
16 more minutes still.
I see the sun peek through the window. What a perfect day it would be for a run! The berries are all ripe & oh how satisfying it would feel to run by the calm ocean & watch it's jumping fish! Instead of smelling other people's sweat (which I still am not sweating by the way), I could be outside delighting in the aroma of Sitka roses or the salty sea! I could be discovering trails or watching all the boats come in!
Someone gets on the bike next to me.
Ugh. If I were out running I wouldn't be in such a claustrophobic situation. I wouldn't be trapped by this other person's body heat & lovely stench. Harder, Victoria...peddle harder! Still no sweat.
& No sweat equals no let off stress.
I rub my shin one last time. Please! Please... I'm whispering. Wow. Have I really gotten this desperate...trying to talk to my shin to let me run? Take a deep breathe Victoria. Running is awesome but it's not your life.
I thought if I would get on this bike, it would help me relieve stress just like running does...but instead it's just gotten me even more worked up. I've been stressing about stressing.
I am now taking deep & calm breathes. I let my feet slow down & my shin rest.
Chug... Creeeak... Chug...
At least I am feeling. Even if it is stress. I am still human. It is ok. My shin will heal. Not today. But that's alright. Running is what hurt my shin in the first place. I would stress so much about getting my runs & miles in that I lost the thrill of running. The enjoyment of it all. I thought I needed it so much that I overdid it & hurt my self. & Because I valued it so much I even missed out on memories. Sacrificing family time on Saturdays to do long runs. I would get less sleep on school nights causing me to be even more stressed out the next day & result to even more running...
& maybe these moments on this mechanical & creaking bike were just what I needed to realize that.
To regain my appreciation for running. To learn to balance it into my life when someday I can run again. At least I can ride this bike. I have all my limbs & am still healthy...despite that I'm putting in no miles this week.
I take a deep breath.
The bike says cool down.
I do cool down.
I get up.
Today I will not run. But I will also not worry. I will not stress.
I look back at the bike. & Then feel something. I wipe the sweat from my face, which is now smiling.
