"BE" about it.

I sneeze and cough simultaneously so that lovely big globs of snot and who knows what else shoots out onto my dress, hair, splatters upwards onto my nose, and drips from my mouth. Yeah. I guess I'm pretty sick. "B A B Y S I T T E R!"

I hear a screech and close my eyes.

"I peed in the little toilet!"

My initial response is,

"Ohhhh good job sweetie."

Then always a brief pause to let them beam. And then,

"Now go find and put back on your pants!"

(which hopefully aren't soaked).

But this time, he really did pee in the, "little" toilet. The little toilet that belonged to his sister's babydoll.

Who in the heck makes and sells toy toilets anyways?! Like what kid wants to play dolls and make them piss?

Ugh.

And his pee overflows out of this plastic pink bowl and is spreading by the second onto the floor.

"A C H O O ! " another catastrophic sneeze...

As a babysitter's duty, I pull back my hair (don't have to plug my nose this time though it's so stuffed), and clean up the pee, the toys affected, the globs of snot, and the spilled noodles t h r*o wn like confetti all over the living room.

Everywhere I look there's messes: goldfish crackers, fruit snacks, juice boxes with chewed straws hanging on for dear life,...oh there's the kid's underwear..., creepy demented dolls, monster trucks, bits of play dough, stickers who may never find their way off the cabinets or Windows , scribbled coloring pages, and wait. Where's the kids ?

I'm supposed to be watching the kids. *Attempted deep breathe that results in coughing up more flem.*Oh never mind. He's picking his nose in a corner. *And she's placing her doll on the potty. *Huh.* I guess there is a business for play potties.*Well they are occupied thank goodness. *So I take a look in the pantry, exhausted.*

Fruit snacks. Why? Why are they my weakness??

First it was the goldfish crackers but now, I can put down like a hundred of those sweet little bites of mini sweet awesomeness.

I remember how I missed out on leg day today because I took up a last minute babysitting job...

I shouldn't.

And ironically there is a scale by the dining room table. I hop on. 132.5. My stomach hurts. It's the most I've ever weighed. I was 127 just two weeks ago...but since then...

*I've moved out of my parents for the first time (I'm 19) into my own apartment with my boyfriend

*have taken on two more jobs (besides full time babysitting-most I've made in a week was $858 so it's legit)

*and an extra class despite that I'm already considered a full time student.

So between moving, sleepless nights, late night classes, and now having to pay for everything stress has definitely had the advantage...

***

T w o m o r e w e e k s g o b y.

Here I am sitting on a lifeguard stand. The sun showing its face for the first time in a millennium, but the wind is still brutal. I am cocooned in three lifeguard windbreakers...

which would probably deter me from saving a drowning victim in the time it would take me to uncocoon myself. But hey...I may be a lifeguard but when I'm this cold, maybe I need to focus on saving my own life too...

Besides the point, I am sitting there, shivering, trying to soak up any bit of sun I can and I realize tomorrow is the first day of March. 2 months have flown by! And I still haven't done anything I've really wanted too. Fitness goals, blogging, back to singing, learning crazy cool yoga poses, picking up my ukulele...my grades aren't where they should be.

I want to be moving f o r w a r d in life!

I want to be doing what I love!

But instead, I'm sitting here, stuck.

On this lifeguard chair.

Not that working is bad. But I want to make time for things I love.

Isn't that the whole point of this life thing?

And so, it's not just the cold anymore that's bothering me.

I'm getting anxious. Because another month has slipped through my fingers and I don't want another day gone so easily.

***I've always been a dreamer. Goal setter. Adventurer. Big goals! Big dreams! Big hopes! I get so excited about life and it's possibilities, the thought, "that I, little i, with just my very conscious can make things happen! Big things! Cool things! Life changing things and someday things that will

c h a n g e t h e w o r l d ."

***

"Don't let your dreams, be dreams!"

This was my boyfriends call of the wild as we skirted down Habu trail on a 5k run. I, was out of breathe, but mostly because he was making me laugh so hard. He hiked up his shorts to show off some almost blindingly white thighs and revealing a pair of what seemed to be quite tight spandex. And this goofball of mine, shorts pulled up and all, jumped, and skip ed, and soared off of a high side wall yelling, "Don't let your dreams be dreams!"

Motivation?

It was working. & I couldn't help but think that's why I love this dude.

Always making the most of our time even on what I thought would turn out to be a boring ordinary run.

***

The memory swims across the pool. "Don't let your dreams be dreams."

I'm sitting on this stand but not living my dreams!

His voice echoes a c r o s s the pool and around the walls of my contemplating brain like Mufasa or some kind of wise voice.

I'm always telling him of ideas I have, things I want to do, goals, and those big "dreams" of mine. And once again just like the spirit of Rafiki, he told me what I needed to hear. Another memory plays out in the water I'm staring at.

***

Walking through our apartment hallway to the kitchen a quote in his handwriting is fresh upon a white board we have hanging up. (The only thing actually we have up in our new little place.) "Don't talk about it, be about it!"

It made me smile but was still not something I wanted to hear...

To be reminded of your faults is like a small gut punch that's needed to wake you up sometimes though. And again, a picture of him looking me in the eyes, jumPing like he does, and exclaiming this, bounce between all the bobbing and unsought after dreams and goals tucked in the crevices of my hungry mind.

***

Ahhhh yes. So here I am.

March 1st.

4:53 in the morning.

(yes lifeguarding again)

determined to not let another day, dream, or desire skip or squeeze past me. No. Just no. No more excuses.

Yes. I babysit more than anything for a living. And the kids sometimes pee on the floor or scream so loud, it's as good as birth control. Yes I sit on a chair for hours of my day and clean toilets, and have to pick out pubs from the pool's skimmers. Yes I'm about to take on one more job that will put me with emotional teenagers. Yes I'm newly moved out for the first time and have to pay serious legit bills now. Yes, I'm taking more classes than a full time student. Yes I live off coffee and naps and P and Js.

But.

I also have good running shoes, a beautiful beach to run on as my backyard, all my limbs, this pen I'm writing with, journal, consistent checks, people I adore, a boyfriend who cares enough to tell me what I need to hear, and the seeds of all those dreams that are the core of it all.

*** It takes 21 days to break a habit. So for the next 3 weeks I'm ready to start, stop talking and just, "Be" about it.

Check out Shia LaBeuf's "Just Do It" that my boyfriend references all the time ;)

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