There was a hard knock on the 2nd story bathroom's window, perhaps from a tree branch whirling by and one eyelid peeled ever so much open so that I viewed, very fuzzily the tips of my eyelashes. When I opened the other one, a drop of water dove off as if leaping from a diving board and splashed back into the tub. Oh that's lovely. I must've fallen asleep. (Like what person in their right mind does that??Fall asleep in the bathtub?)
Ah but that's right. I'm no person in my right mind.
I kind of giggled. How ironic would it have been to drown in the bathtub? Not because it would be absurd to hear of any normal person doing so in itself already but because I'm a lifeguard and swim teacher. But at least I was showing some kind of stress relief.
I took this bath because I needed it. And it was somewhat working until there was another hard blow at the window, leading me to look around the bathroom and notice a book. A book I should've read, and its annotations along with analysis is due start of this week.
I'm only one-fifth the way through.
I slumped back into the now lukewarm water. This is turning very quickly.
As quickly and abruptly as the wind tugging on everything outside.
*You see, I've always been a straight A student.
My dad had me doing book reports on the, W o r l d A t l a s in 2nd grade, along with reading a human anatomy book and other subjects seven year olds don't usually read about. So school was naturally always a priority and getting not just, "good" grades, but being top of the class and always being one step (maybe more), ahead of everyone else was grinded into me.
I, of course, remember wanting to get done with writing about Austria, and Iceland, which looked greener than Greenland (a concept in which incredibly confused me and that I shall never comprehend), or about countries with weird & unpronounceable names like Zimbabwe, as soon as I could.
It's not that I didn't enjoy learning about different cultures and new worlds, in fact it's always intrigued me...I just mostly wanted to explore the world I had right at home. The world right outside my front door, or the one that could be dreamt about from my window sill. A world, which, for me was constantly changing every year or so, so that by the time I was 17 I had moved 19 times, including three different continents.
But what I wanted to explore was the snowflakes that were falling so beautifully and how it felt to let them frost my eyelashes or crunch beneath my red sled and lick my face as I tumble down into a pile of so many, that they explode when I crash, leaving specks of sparkles on my rosy cheeks. Or I wanted to explore the taste of a honey suckle and then run with its petals strewn through my hair or peeking out from my ear. I wanted to find all the gecko eggs hiding in the crevices of the playground. And I wanted to ride my bike through Plumaria scented streets or hide in the hibiscus bushes during hide and seek.
& so it was that I often times, rushed through my essays to live out my daydreams.
And many days, this is still often the case. Rather than flipping pages and answering questions from my AP Government textbook, I'd rather be strolling down the Japanese roads. Roads that are misted by aromas of Sobi Noodles or Curry, and painted with blots of Palm trees and red vending machines. Machines with iced teas full of flavors like Jasmine, Passion Fruit, Green Tea, Pineapple, and my favorites, Lemon or Apple Spice. I'd rather be walking along the sea shore or running by the sea wall where the ocean spritzes your face where the sun has teased it! Oh that sea wall! My favorite place so far to just sit & breathe.
Although, right now I can only imagine how big and tremendous the waves must be! How loud the sound of them roaring and slapping against the concrete stairs is instead of the singing breeze and hiss of water cooling the overheated rocks that I'm used to must be!
Funny how a storm such as the Typhoon that I'm currently trapped inside my house by can so suddenly transform something so beautiful into something so terrifying.
Not that it doesn't mean something can't be terrifyingly beautiful.
Like this life I'm in...
It's so wonderful yet comes with so many twists & turns.
It's so utterly amazing the way that one, out of oblivion can be brought into this world by not choice but only chance.
Why we are given this chance remains a beautiful mystery.
But how is one able to appreciate such beauty when all around them, storms of all sorts begin to s w a l l o w i t w h o l e ?
One more knock on the window made the curtain rod above jolt. Can I not get away from this? This storm? This pressure? This stress?
I take a deep breathe.
...But the book staring me in the face still haunts me.
My mind r e w i n d s/S D N I W E R back to last week where I remember I am already behind...
I had entered my AP Government class only to find that I had forgotten to write a whole essay! I would be lucky if she even accepts it!
The same day I raced my second cross country race...but it was to be my slowest race ever... Thanks to my shin splints and swollen knee.
The next day I would be finding myself s l u m p i n g low in my seat not because of the whole XC incident but because I didn't know we had a vocabulary quiz.
Oh I forgot to memorize that poem for Drama class. I didn't do my Spanish conjugations. I have a test in PE??!! Really. PE. What the heck...
& every day I trudge through the pain when I'm running. The only thing that keeps me going is the small hope that if I really push it for just one more week, I can redeem myself at this last race and make it to Far East. If I do, I get to fly to Tokyo and race with the other Varsity players. *Finish the season & my senior year strong and accomplished.*
But the pain was getting worse.
Much like this typhoon is.
Intense surges running up my foot, shin and knee kept m o c k i n g me. My calves tightened and made me cringe in the middle of the night. My knee gave out a few times. Just to touch my legs made me lightly whine & I tried to keep quiet.
But I could see Far East as clear as ever in my head. If only I was able to train hard enough so I would be able to cross that finish line in just over 20 minutes! That's less than 7 minutes a mile. Yes that was my goal.
Someday.
I would feel alive & strong & fast.
It's what I love about running...
The adrenaline, the fresh air, and the p o w e r to push yourself with no limits. Your only competition is yourself.
Just one more week. I kept telling myself when the pain got the worst.
But I was getting desperate.
Saturday night hit me hard. Harder than what the typhoon was doing to our yard. Leaves & trash s t u c k to the windows and hid the grass. The trees &their dancing shadows screamed and hollered above it. R A I N was R I P P I N G up seeds and punching the roads so that the whole of outside was a blowing & w h i r l i n g mess of mist. It was again, terrifying but at the same time almost artful. It was chaos yet harmony in the way it all worked together to make this mad show.
And so went my head. I was trying to sleep at 2 am and my whole body went NUMB. I tried yelling but it was as if my l v l o l i l c l e l was trapped somewhere behind l b l a l r l s l I could not find. My mouth wouldn't even let itself twitch so to let me moan. I was panicking. About everything. And I could do nothing about it. Literally.
College applications. Running. You must keep running. Don't let them d o w n ."You’re gonna save my team this year, Tori" my coach's voice kept echoing in my mind. He believed he could, "heal" me and I could take a spot in Far East. He needed 5 solid female runners and was determined I would be one of them. And for that I was so hopeful! But at the same time, there was an uneasy & TENSE p r e s s u r e as well as other things that kept clogging my mind. Homework. Where's your straight A's now? W h a t w i l l CAPS t h i n k?? God I miss him. (My father is half way around the world for several months) I miss mom. My sisters. And brothers back in the states. My friend had died the night before. I never personally had known someone so young who died. He didn't deserve to. I didn't understand W H Y?! it happened to someone so giving.
I should be more thankful.
I have my whole life ahead of me.
Or do I?
Will mine be swept a w a y too?
Should I just live in the moment?
Take more chances?
Make mistkaes.
Be young.
And reckl e s s .
And even, simply
happy.
I had never questioned my morals so much before.
Everything I had ever believed in was crumbling, fading,
s
l
i
p
p
i
n
g
through my fingers like sand as I tried to make sense of it all.
I was like this storm.
A mess.
Chaos all the way around.
& I continued to be one...
Oh.
I should be studying. The SAT is next week.
Ugh.
My knee. My foot. My stupid shin.
I average less than 5 hours of sleep.
I feel crazy.
Not my normal crazy &nerdy &silly self...
Like I'm going mad.
Instead of me doing the running,
everything else was running through my head.
More like s t a m peding.
Usually running lets me relieve these things. I think about them and let them go. Leave them on the track or trail behind me.
(But apparently I can't run from everything.)
Like things I didn't know I was even concerned about seemed to pop up so suddenly and abruptly as the dirt FlAiLiNG around outside.
dirt.
This bath will help me get the dirt off won't it? Not just from my tired feet fresh off an attempted run but my mind right? As I sit and think. Try to sweep up this mess. Sweep it up with what though?
Little did I know that that wouldn't be the worst of it. The following Monday I would end up shaking and crying in the nurse's office (partly because I had been taking too much ibuprofen for my shins out of desperation so I would be able to run) it sounds pathetic I know.
But I wanted it so badly.
~The typhoon seemed to be swallowing my house now. As did my thoughts to my will. ~
I slid down so that my legs would feel soothed by the somewhat warm water.
(Man it sure would be nice if I had some bubbles in here though...)
Deep breathe.
It is not all a disaster.
This terrifyingly beautiful life.
~~~
My mind sank back into the memories of the nurse's office:
I finally got myself somewhat back together when I felt a hand on my shoulder rub me. I looked up to find a girl from one of my AP classes.
"Thank you," I managed to get out.
I continued to squeak, “What are you in here for?"
"Things at home aren't going too well and my body is taking the stress out on me physically."
She whispered, still rubbing my back.
I asked her more.
And her tired but kind eyes slowly looked towards the floor.
"My mom has stage 4 cancer. I don't think she'll be able to make it to graduation. We're lucky if we have her until March."
I wanted to cry for her.
Why was she the one comforting me?
"I'm the oldest of five siblings and I think I need to drop AP Gov."
My little dilemmas didn't seem so devastating now...
"I'm so sorry girl. I know that has to be rough."
I wanted to say more but my dry mouth could only thank her with a weak smile.
~~~
A flower* blew by the window this time & hovered just long enough for me to admire it.
So free. So beautiful. How unfortunate it is that it was ripped from its roots, yet how queer and magical it seemed to be flying through the air.
Yes. It was.
A flying flower.
Through the despair and horror of the outside, it's bright pink petals floating around to remind everyone of the beauty that still existed.
It stuck to the window, waving at me.
A flower*, much like the one I had met at the nurse's office.
I then remembered. I had gotten flowers this week. & at this thought, I could feel the corners of my mouth begin to lift into what could be argued... suspicious of a smile. :)
~~~I was limping down a trail while the others had run ahead, feeling quite frustrated with myself. Around a loop I walked to discover my name, "homecoming?" spray painted in the grass, the stopped teammates leaning in to hear my answer and a lengthy, smiling, blond haired boy waiting. He shakily handed me the flowers while I gave him a hug and the others clapped.~~~
It was a beautiful act of kindness yet now new, exciting and terrifying thoughts seemed to squeeze into my already crammed brain, surging effortlessly an energy of fear of the u?n?k?n?o?w?n.
I was shaken out of my daze as I realized the water had lost all its warmth now. But it kind of felt good. And for this I was thankful. I had begun to feel quite hot and a little dizzy.
Just take another deep breathe.
After my bath I lay, still exhausted, mind still running, and shin still hurting in my room. The typhoon was still thrashing the outside around and about. I squinted hard through my bedroom window watching the trees, in their terrifying but beautiful duet with the wind. My faithful dog sat, content by my side. I even remembered we had icecream in our freezer. Little snippets of my brother's laughter were wandering upstairs, reminding me of the joy that still exsisted even though we were trapped inside.
It would be ok.
Just like how this Typhoon will end, so will the whirlwind of confusion and frustration in my head.
And. I don't have to be a person in my right mind. If that even exists.
I don't have to know what will happen to know that I will still get to enjoy this beautiful world.
The world I view from my windowsill & used to write about in 2nd grade.
Because life, sure is a mad show just like this storm, but...
there's still something artful...
something poetic...
something...
beautiful
in the chaos of it all.
***
As I watched, a thought surfaced above the ones that had been destructive to me only moments before...
There's something in storms that s e t s the world f r e e .
Nothing has a place but that's ok. & Yes. I am a mess. Total chaos sometimes. But I am a mess of dreams, & hopes, & one that loves bubble baths & naps & icecream & flowers. & one that is crazy enough to waste time thinking how storms...terrifying as they can be...can also be beautiful.
My legs, I finally accepted, will even heal just like the broken limbs of the twirling trees. My racing mind will slow down just like this relentless wind. & everything will regrow. Blossom once more. The sun will warm the earth again, and the trees will rest.
Before I let my lashes close once more, I saw, very fuzzily...
Beneath the tangled branches emerged the f l o a t i n g flower*, perfect in this terrifyingly beautiful world.
